Sometimes when I look back on some of my posts, it seems that I write a lot about doom and gloom. I feel as though the day I was diagnosed with Cancer I have had lots of luck, but bad luck, now, I have turned a lot of my bad luck into something positive. Because of the bad luck a lot of good things have come out of that.
We don’t ask to be born into this world, it just happens, sometimes you are planned and sometimes you are an “oh no that wasn’t suppose to happen.” None the less our parents did their best to raise us, the best way they possibly knew how. When you become a teenager, most teenagers cannot wait to leave the nest. Finally, the day you have waited for your whole life, moving out on your own, away from mom and dad. So young and naive, you think the world owes you everything, life is gonna be great. How could it not be, your starting a new book, a blank page, chapter one, piece of cake, you’ve got this. Only you quickly discover that life is not what you thought it would be. It’s hard. It’s complicated. It’s the most difficult journey you will ever take!
How do you know you are on the right path? What is the right path? How many curve balls do you have to take without the ball knocking you down? Life may not be what you thought it would be. Life may have seemed a lot easier living with mom and dad, only that time has passed and you’re an adult now, who has to figure this stuff out on your own, there is no going back. The choices you make today will affect your life tomorrow and possibly forever.
So, here I am sitting in my living room at 6:00am because my little one has the sniffles and thinks because the sun rises, we have to rise with it (he kind of has a point, we should rise with the sun, it’s beautiful and serene and we should count our blessings), I have my five year old singing (cookies and milk?) because life is great for him at this particular moment, he may have a sudden meltdown in five minutes and I’m screaming for my other three children to get out of bed. Me, well, I sit here being thankful that I am alive and I can be here with my children. Reflecting on the decisions I have made to get me to this point in my life. Wondering how many more punches to the gut I have to take before things finally work out for me. Wondering if I am just a terrible person and do I deserve everything that came to me. Am I the kind of person who loves to always be whining about how I was given a hard life? Do I even deserve the things I have? I think all these negative thoughts about myself. Is it the depression causing these thoughts or are they just natural thoughts? When I cry because something bad just happened, is it my anxiety or is it just natural to cry? I cry a lot, cancer seemed to have torn the dam down within me and I have years and years of tears pouring out.
There are times I think what could I have done different to have a better outcome in my life thus far. It seems that some of my decisions are not always the right ones, I primarily think about all my children before making decisions and I make them based on what’s best for them, not me. I feel I sacrifice myself everyday for something or someone, I never, or I should say I hardly ever consider myself. I know I have to take care of myself in order to be there for my children, but I feel like I would walk through the fires of hell for them without giving it a second thought.
I started this new, wonderful life, with a new partner, it was suppose to be the right path for all family members, but I am faced once again with many decisions and I’m wondering if the decisions I make are going to be the right decisions?
I have worked hard to get here, I guess I need to be more thankful for what I have worked hard to overcome. I am an awesome mom, I am a fantastic Dad replacement, I am an interesting entertainer, I am an average cook (but I can work on that), I am the greatest that I can be for my kids right now and that’s all that counts!
For the teenagers out there, don’t be so eager to grow up, enjoy your youth, it will be the best days of your life and please love your parents because they are doing everything possible to make your life as good as possible and they will never give up on you because all they want is the best for you💞