What Would You Think Of Me?

What would you think of me if I said I hated my life? Would you think less of me? Would you pity me? Would you think that I am ungrateful? 

What would you think of me if I said there are days I wish cancer had taken me because life is so hard? Would you think less of me? Would you pity me? Would you think I am ungrateful?

What would you think of me if I said that raising five children is hard and sometimes I just want to give up? Would you think less of me? Would you pity me? Would you think I am ungrateful?

What would you think of me if I said I cried every other day because of the life I’m living? Would you think less of me? Would you pity me? Would you think I am ungrateful?

What would you think of me if I said I hate myself? Would you think less of me? Would you pity me? Would you think I am ungrateful?

What would you think of me if I said depression, anxiety and PTSD had control over me? Would you think less of me? Would you pity me? Would you think I am ungrateful?

What would you think of me if I were to say that this is all true? I go to battle every day because of things that were and are out of my control. I battle with myself because accepting the life I have to live is not what I had invisioned or planned for myself. I have been given a life to live, but it’s not a life that I have chosen, it was forced upon me. It’s a constant battle to stay focused, to stay on track and to maintain some level of sanity. 

The truth of the matter is, right now I have five children to think of and what’s best for them, but I am not the only one who gets to decide that, the courts also get to have a say on what is best for my children. My children are people, maybe little people, but they are not allowed to have a voice in what it is they want or what they think is best for them. I wonder sometimes if the family court really knows what is best for children? All children are different and all situations are different. Some children are older and some children are younger, so how and why do the system think that they know best? I am lucky that I was granted primary care of my children, I have a loving, caring and stable home to provide.

But, with every hardship I face, I have to protect my children, I have to try and keep it together for them while I still get emotionally attacked;

“You are a fuckin disaster. Get your shit together.”

“You are a selfish idiot.”

“You are fucking retarded. What is wrong with you?”

“Your medication definitely needs to be increased.”

My youngest wakes up almost every night because he has nightmares that I will leave him or that someone is taking him away. After a weekend with his father I have to listen to him cry because he doesn’t understand why I made his dad leave and why I just don’t ask him to come back and live with us. He blames me……me! But that’s fine, he can blame me because I know how much he loves his father and I would never want to break his heart and tell him the truth, so I lay with him crying, telling him how sorry I am, please forgive me and I promise things will get better.

From my experience , if you are going to go through a divorce, please make it amicable and make it as pleasant on the children as possible. The children are the innocent ones, who just want a mom and dad to love and live together and they want to love their mom and dad equally. If your loved one is going though a serious illness, such as cancer, find it in your heart to talk to someone and sort out your feelings and frustrations to make the best decision for your family. Families are suppose to love, respect and honour one another, not abondon them. Is your own happiness that important that you have to take happiness away from others? People need to be less selfish and be more kind, caring and compassionate.

Kelly

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