Fighting My Own Evil

Three years ago tomorrow, April Fools Day, my current life as I knew it was over. The last three years have been difficult to deal with and it still is. Three years ago tomorrow was the day I was given the most devastating news of my health, stage 2b breast cancer, cancer at 35, cancer at an age I should be enjoying life with my growing family. The words I was never expecting to hear, “I am so, so sorry! How old are you? Is there someone with you we can call in? Can we call someone to come get you? Are you going to be ok? Cry my love, cry, get it all out!” I am laying on the ultrasound table thinking this has to be an awful April Fools Day trick, it has to be, but I could clearly see the tumours, there were three. I was quickly given a mammogram, several biopsys in both breasts and a MRI. 

It was the day my life as Kelly Knee ended, I died that day. She is gone! She will never return! She is just a distant memory! The person that everyone knew died! I became someone else. I get one life, but I get to live two lives in one life, the me before cancer and the me after cancer. They are two completely different people. I was changed forever, I consider the new me to be broken, shattered like a fallen trinket glued back together, never to be the same again.

It must be hard for some to understand that after three years I have not moved on or at least try to forget, but having so many traumatic moments and now having to deal with PTSD, I find I am reliving the old me or reliving everything that has happen over the last three years and I am trying so hard not to mix the then up with the now. 

How does one let go of such hurt, anger, frustration,  unacceptance, fear, let down, feeling alone, ungratefulness and the feeling of why me?  Personally for me blogging has been my saviour, it has helped me get thoughts out of my head and onto a screen. It helps me help others and it helps me clear the voices and clouds that loom in my head day after day.

Some days I wonder why I am depressed, why do I have anxiety, and why do I have PTSD? I have my health, I have five healthy boys, a faithful boyfriend, supportive family and friends and of course a very supportive hockey family, a roof over my head, food on the table, what more could I possibly ask for? I have all the things I should need. Maybe I’m being selfish and I feel guilty for feeling this, but I want to be “normal”. 

“Normal…….conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.” 

I struggle everyday to be “normal” and I hope one day I reach “normal” or at least some kind of “normal”. Everyday I try to put that smile on and if I can’t, I just don’t go outside the door, I hide like a wounded animal hoping nobody sees or hears me. 

I am pretty sure that most, if not all of us have issues or problems in our life, some people can handle these problems and situations just fine. I commend you for your bravery and courage, but others struggle, they may try harder than you can ever imagine, but they still struggle. I know I am not alone, but how does one cope? How do you wake up with that positive attitude that gets you through the day? How do you not just give in and stay in your bed so you don’t have to deal with the pressing issues?

I can give you some insight. Although it Takes everything out of me, I wake up each day by a crying baby who is hungry. I get up, put both feet on the floor and say to myself, this is going to be the day, I am going to overcome this today, I AM NOT GOING TO CRY! I am going to smile and be grateful. I walk into my baby’s room, with love bursting at the seams. When he looks at me with his snot covered nose, face and hair and with the not so sweet stink of a poopy diaper, he smiles and is really excited to see me and that is my reason right there. I clean him up and I am greeted with my four other children, that’s four other reasons right there too. They need me, they depend on me, probably just as much as I need them. They may try my patience every minute they are with me and I may have to drag them out of the bed every morning, but that makes me love them even more, especially when I have to chase twelve year olds around the house for a hug and kiss.

Some days I get defeated, not for lack of trying, but I sit and cry. I have support and if my boyfriend is working and I can’t get things together, he will come home to comfort me and to reassure me that I’m doing a great job. Other days I just keep going, hoping, just hoping that this is the day that my new life takes a turn and I become a new “normal” and that is all I wish for everyone else who experiences this evil.

Tomorrow, April 1st, will be three years since my diagnosis, I struggle every minute of every day, but I won’t let this evil take me without a good fight! I will persevere! I have to be thankful for each and every day that I get the chance to walk this earth with my ever loving children and family. I have to show gratitude for the things I have and gratitude for being alive.

We all should show a little gratitude for the life we are given, it may not be what we want or what we expected, but have a little graditiude for what you are given and the fact you are breathing. 

This month on our board in the kitchen, we each wrote a few things that we are grateful for. I may not always show my gratitude, but I am so very grateful for so much!

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