So, today I was”busy”, most every day I am “busy”. I’m really not sure why this has to happen at the most inappropriate times. All I know is that I feel very sad and very lonely. I often say to myself “how do you feel lonely Kelly? You have five children, a boyfriend, and a mother and sister that text or call a million times a day?” I try telling myself that I’m not alone, but it doesn’t work, the loneliness just intensifies. I am lucky in the sense that I understand what is happening and I try reaching out for help from anyone I can at that particular time. Today I tried reaching out, only there was nobody available.
I went out, hoping it would calm me, but it didn’t. I had no other choice but to reach out, so I parked the truck and tried contacting friends and family. All I need is someone to talk with, to tell me that everything will be ok and I’m safe, just someone to remind me that I’m ok. As I started texting, in hopes of reaching someone, everyone was busy with their own day to day lives, which is completely understandable. I don’t often say that my anxiety has taken control of me because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. After trying to calm myself for an extended period of time, my sister finally calls and manages to somewhat calm me. It seems that my sister is the one person that can calm me. I am and will be eternally grateful to her, but I feel like such a burden. She has her own life and then I call and she drops everything to help me. I probably cause her anxiety and I’m so sorry for that. I feel like a burden to so many, I feel like people say “oh gosh, it’s her again, it’s always her, does she think everything revolves around her?” I wish I could handle the anxiety and depression on my own, god knows I have tried, but I can’t. I don’t believe that it makes me weak, it takes a lot of energy to go through an episode, it mentally and physically takes everything out of me. Once these episodes pass, it takes a day or two to recover. I am usually exhausted, add five children on top of that and an infant who is still not sleeping through the night and I am yearning for sleep.
I never know when these episodes will happen, I guess things just build up inside and it decides to explode when I least expect it. It’s the calming down that’s the hardest. Being that the last month was Christmas, I think I struggled a little harder. I struggled to pay my bills, given that it was Christmas I had to chose what bills were more important to pay over others. I struggled to buy Christmas gifts (like many other people because Christmas has changed to children wanting to win the lottery), I struggled with not being with my four Children at Christmas this year (for the first time in their lives, which was 11 years). I struggled with my family being separated at the one time of year that families are suppose to be together. I’ve had to struggle with emails from my lawyers company wondering when I’m going to make a payment. I struggled with the fear of my cancer returning and reliving those days over and over in my head. I could list the struggles for days, but where does that get me? It gets to a place of being “busy” and “busy” is not where I want to be. I long for the day that anxiety and depression are no longer a part of my life!