I am grateful for my life, very grateful. After battling breast cancer and a failed marriage, I vowed I wouldn’t take the little things for granted. I would choose this life over no life, but it’s hard, extremely hard. I hate to complain or seem ungrateful and yes, it was my choice to have five children, but not for one second did I ever imagine I would be doing it alone.
I am exhausted! Fully drained of all energy, physically, mentally and emotionally. It doesn’t help that I have been sick for over a month with a cold that knocked me back on my rump, I also have to deal with my four month old being sick with a cold and the other kids too. The amount of sleep I get nightly you could count on one hand.
There are simple things I need that I don’t have. I don’t have that person coming home at the end of the day to say “I’ll help with bath time”. I don’t have that person coming home for one-three weeks to share in the responsibilities. I don’t have that person helping out with early or late hockey practices. I don’t ever have that person saying “why don’t you relax and I’ll take care of thing’s”. I don’t have that person to say “I’ll stay with the kids while you go grocery shopping or have a night out”.
I am the mother, I am the father, I am the handyman, I am the chauffeur, I am the maid, I am the cook, I am the nanny, I am the referee. I am everything there possibly is when running a home and raising a family. What I am not is my own person , I do not belong to myself. I live solely to take care of five other human beings while neglecting myself, not to mention the things that are neglected in my home, like my laundry room.
Yes, that is actually my laundry room, the washer and dryer are in there somewhere……I hope. I’ll protect your eyes from seeing the pile of laundry I have daily, it’s insane. I’m starting to think the kids put clean clothes in the hamper.
So, I feel guilt, what do I do with all my time that I can’t clean such a small room or keep up on the laundry? Oh, I don’t know, a whole bunch of other things. Am I required to work 24 hours around the clock? Is it wrong that when I get an hour to myself that I sit down to gather my thoughts? Actually I watch tv (shhhhh, that’s my guilty pleasure).
I guess the point I am trying to make here is, be kind to your neighbour. Do not judge the parent that sends their child to school without a lunch, do not judge the parent who sends their child to school without their homework completed. Do not judge the parent who is always late. Do not judge the parent who has lost control of their children. Do not judge the parent who always has a big pile of laundry, not folded and put away. Do not judge the parent for being the best parent he/she can possibly be at a given time. We all want to be the “best” parent, sometimes the best we can be is to be present and that is ok!
I will continue to stumble over the rubble in my life, but it could be worse, I could be terminally ill with cancer!