Life Can Be A Scary Place

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I miss my eyebrows☹️
It has been just over two years since my very first chemo. Two years! I am in disbelief that I have made it this far. I decided to read my journal from my treatment days. Here are a few of my entries:

May 26, 2014
Today I’m feeling very anxious and extremely nervous. I have another surgery, they have to insert a port-a-cath for my Chemo treatments, will it hurt this time? I’m so grateful that my sister is coming to be with me for the day.

We arrived at the hospital at 7:15am to check in, at which time they told me not to take my Ativan because I would be getting enough drugs to compensate for anxiety and pain. Just after 8:00am I was brought in for the procedure, I explained to the Dr. that on a similar procedure the meds didn’t work and I was fully aware of what was going on, so, he assured me he would give a stronger dose. I’m laying on the table and the nurse said I’ll give you something to calm you down, even before they started my blood pressure had gone up and I was crying, but they did nothing. It was half way through the procedure the nurse realized I could feel everything, was fully alert and crying uncontrollably. She advised the Dr. that she was going to give me the second does. That one took the edge off a little, if only it was like that from the beginning!!

Finally, they brought me out to recovery, and I was released to go for my Chemo treatment around 10:30am. Since this was my first treatment, I had to lay in a bed. I was exhausted, so I was happy to lay down.

I am laying here thinking, how did I get here? I’m looking around at everyone getting treatment, everyone is so much older than me. I pinch myself because this must be a nightmare, I need to wake up, this is not funny……wake up already!! I wonder sometimes if it will sink in that I have cancer? Cancer! Cancer! Why me? Why not someone else, wait a minute, someone else do have cancer, everyone in this room has cancer and they are going through what I’m going through, I may be the youngest here but we are all going through this together.

My first treatment was long, but, seemed to go by fast. My sister and I had a few good laughs, we called my nurse Nanny McPhee, she was a meany. It probably made the whole experience more enjoyable. My sister left to pick the boys up at school around 2:00pm. 3:30pm I was released from chemo and on to nuclear medicine for a mugascan of my heart. Finally, I was home by 5:00pm. I was tired but felt fine.


May 27, 2014
My day started off great, I was full of energy. I got up, got the kids ready and brought them to school, came home did laundry, washed dishes, made the beds, cleaned the bathroom and prepared supper for later. Somewhere around lunch time I felt {I’m assuming I didn’t feel so great, considering I stopped dead in my sentence and didn’t write again until July 11}


July 11, 2014
Some time has passed since I last wrote. A lot of things have happened, but, the most challenging part of this process has been my mental state. I just can’t seem to keep it together. I put up this front for everyone. All I hear day after day is how brave I am, how courageous I am, how I’m such an inspiration. But I’m not, I’m weak and fake. I am terrified!! I am lost and scared. I am only 3 chemo treatments in and I want it to end, I hate feeling this way, it has taken the good out of me. As I lay here next to my 2 year old I wonder, will I be around to see him grow? Will he remember me? Will he remember how much I love him? Everyday since the moment I found out I was pregnant with the twins, I gave all four my whole being. Every thought, every action, everything in me has been for my children. I have devoted myself to them, they are all I ever wanted and now I may have to (unwillingly) give them up. Will they know how much they mean to me? Life isn’t fair, I’ve done nothing wrong to this universe, I don’t want to be a statistic, I just want to live a life with my family, is that too much to ask for?

I have gone through so much just to keep my boys safe and to have the most normal life that I can possibly give them. I have gone through several months in a row without any child support. I hardly had any money to provide food or Christmas gifts for my boys during the Christmas season, all the while being told that it would look good on me to go to a food bank. Thank goodness for family members that helped me through those difficult times. My household bills were not paid for several months, with each company knocking on my door reminding me that they were going to cancel my services. I was brought to family court in the middle of December to have the boys and I evicted from our family home and have child support suspended. Thankfully, the judge ruled in our favour and could not throw us out onto the streets. Doing what was in the best interest of the children came at a price, I had to fight for everything, which meant I had to have a lawyer. Anyone going through a non-amicable divorce, know how much that cost, it’s not cheap. I have no idea how I’m ever going to be able to pay that bill off, but it was worth it for the children and their future.

Today, separation completed, cancer free, pregnant and looking forward to watching all my children grow, I still feel like I’m faced with losing them. Every thought I was feeling when I found out I had cancer still remains within me. I may not be losing them right now to death or losing them permanently, but each day apart, I’m losing precious time with them. What if my cancer returns and something tragic happens to me? Look at the time we would have lost together. Time that we will never get back and that scares me every single day. My heart breaks when they are away from me, I feel I need to get in as much time as I can, just in case……

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My whole world right here
Kelly

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2 thoughts on “Life Can Be A Scary Place

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  1. Kelly,

    I stumbled upon your blog today and felt such overwhelming connection. I too am a cancer survivor. 32, pregnant with my first son, and wondering how in the world all of this could have happened to me, to anyone, in the prime of our lives. My toungue cancer not only put life on hold, but left me feeling helpless, scared, and just like you-not brave or strong or any of the things people call me.

    I also had a port cath install at the same time I had a stomach tube placement, and was told the meds would take the edge off, while I laid on the table sobbing and screaming that I could feel everything. It took an hour post surgery for the nurses to calm me down so they could send me home. Hearing your story brought it all back, but also made me feel like I’m not alone in this journey.

    Thank you for your words and for putting them out there for other survivors to stumble upon and find peace and solidarity in. Prayers to you and your boys now and always.

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    1. I always thought I was alone in the pain I felt until I started blogging and realized that there are so many of us out there. It’s feels nice to connect and know I’m not alone. Life is unfair sometimes, but we have to keep fighting. Good luck to you and with your pregnancy!

      Like

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