Infidelity And Feeling Victimized

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(Above: Me and my four handsome,brave boys who participated in Shave for the Brave 2015. I’m very proud to say that all four have decided to shave again this year)

I am writing for therapeutic purposes. This is not intended to offend or speak harshly about anyone. I wish I hadn’t experienced what I had and hope I can reach out to others that may have or are currently experiencing similar experiences.

I recently read a book to my four year old and as I read this book all I could think was how inspiring it was and how it was meant for all ages, genders and situations. I have learned that life happens, not necessarily the way we want, but our attitude is what determines a better outcome. Here is a video of that book, may it help you rise above the torment you may be in:

I felt like cancer had taken me, maybe not physically, but emotionally I was someone different, someone I didn’t know. I was trapped in an ugly body and I didn’t know who I was or how to feel. Was I ever going to be normal again? Am I ever going to accept this hideous, mutated body again? Am I ever going to be myself again? I had so many questions and nobody to turn to. I was very uncomfortable in my body. How could anyone love me, when I couldn’t even stand to be in my own skin. To look in a mirror at myself took a great deal of courage, which would lead me to self pity and hatred. I remember waking up in the middle of the night crying, I had no idea why, but I hated myself and I couldn’t control the crying. My husband would ask why I was crying and I didn’t know why, I couldn’t explain it.

I felt like I was living a double life, when I walked outside my house I felt like I had to have a different persona, I had to put on a brave face and act strong. I couldn’t let anyone see the wreck I really was. The minute I walked into my house I was that broken, shameful, unwanted person. I could never understand why people loved me, what’s to love in this broken person? There were so many people who wanted to help, but I still felt alone. I felt nobody could possibly understand what I was going through.

I continued to live life as if everything was ok. I took care of the kids while my husband worked away. I would suffer through pointless arguments with him while every other day I was at some stadium watching my kids play hockey. If I ever needed help or to escape, someone would be there when they could, but that was rare. When he was around I didn’t feel needed and I didn’t feel like the luckiest person to be alive.

Our 12th year wedding anniversary was approaching, which indicated my one year anniversary to the diagnosis to my cancer. I wanted to celebrate our anniversary, which is something we never did. We agreed we would get a sitter and spend the night out. I wish I had known that this would be the last time I would celebrate with my husband. We had a romantic night and all felt right with the world. Maybe this would be the turnaround I needed to try and find myself?

It was the day before he was going back to work and there was a snow storm. That day we went outside to clear the snow. Once it was done I asked if he could move the kids skidoo so it wasn’t buried in the snow. He did, but decided to make a path around the house. This would prove to be a big mistake. He ended up getting stuck four or five times. I had to walk through snow up to my waist to push him out. I was exhausted and all he kept saying was “you are useless” or “I’m exhausted and your complaining when you aren’t doing anything”. This was nothing uncommon, over the years I was use to him calling me names. It seemed whenever he was frustrated I was always the one he would let his frustrations out on. I asked if he could help me clear the ice skating rink (yes, just another thing I did as the mother of my four boys). Apparently, after using the snowblower for many years, I was stupid and didn’t know how to use it. Before heading to work, he gave me a hug and kiss and told me he loved me, as he did almost every single day since we were together (18 years).

It was April 2, 2015, (one year, one day after I was diagnosed with cancer) I received a text stating that he knew I was not stupid and he has been seeing someone and he was leaving me. I begged him not to leave, if not for me, then think of the kids. I begged him not to ruin their lives, it wasn’t fair, they didn’t ask for this and they don’t deserve it. I asked him to go to counselling, to save our marriage and to try for the kids, but he said no. He told me he was leaving for someone just like me. I had so many questions running through my head: If your leaving me for someone just like me, why are you leaving? Are you leaving because she didn’t have cancer? Are you leaving because she had two breasts? Are you leaving because she had long hair? If she was just like me, why would you leave? Just when life was suppose to be getting better, it was too much to bear. It was even proposed that we keep it a secret and he would continue to come home on his days off and act like everything was normal but it was over between us and he was going to be with this new girl.

Shortly after, I found out who she was and told him I was going to tell her husband. That night at 12:30, he literally climbed the patio and entered through the broken patio door and tried to force me to delete info off my phone and iPad. I felt as though I was going through an outer. Body experience. I was told that if his girlfriend lost her children he would make sure I never see my kids again. As he started to bang on the table to try and force me to delete texts and info, I jumped from the table to grab the phone to call 911. He ran after me, pinned me down and took the phone. He continued to chase me around the house. My youngest (who was three at the time) started crying and he blocked the hallway, so I couldn’t get to him. I ran around the kitchen, at which time he put me in the headlock. I started yelling out to my seven year old to call 911, he was scared and didn’t know what to do. I finally made it in the room where my seven year old was, I told him everything would be alright but we needed to get to a phone to call 911. He ended up coming into the room, pushing us down on the bed. I started banging on the floor to get the twins (who were ten at the time) to call 911. They were scared and hid underneath their bedsheets. He started yelling to get them to come upstairs, I kept screaming “don’t come up the stairs, please don’t come up!” They didn’t listen, they came up. I told them to stay away and to not come into the room, he pushed both of them in the room, along with my three year old. He came into the room, locked the door and stood in front of it so nobody could get out. He kept telling the boys we needed to have a family discussion. The boys kept asking if we could talk about it tomorrow instead, but he wouldn’t listen. I remember one of the kids saying, “who has a family discussion this late at night?” I tried to get the iPad to text my mother, but he took it. I then tried to open the window, screaming for help, he would push me away with my youngest in my arms. When he did, I would try to open the door. We would keep going back and forth, finally I got the window open and yelled for help, but nobody heard. In the end I fell to the floor weeping to please let us out. Finally, he let us out and I called 911. They set up road blocks but they didn’t catch him. My neighbours came to help while the police took a statement from me. I had to remove my clothing so the female officer could search for bruises. I had become numb to people touching and observing my body. I felt as though my body was some kind of medical experiment and I was no longer a sensual, sexual being. I had bruises all over my arms, but I refused to be photographed and refused to charge him. How could I possibly charge the father of my four boys? Later, I would realize this was just one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. The next few weeks were hard as CYFS were called to investigate the safety of my children……..

Kelly

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15 thoughts on “Infidelity And Feeling Victimized

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  1. Kelly, I’ve just read your latest post. Even throughout your journey with cancer I was very proud of my cousin and her amazing strength. You have come through each of these horrific moments standing & stronger than ever surrounded by your family’s love & support. You have your truly remarkable boys for whom you have set the most outstanding and shining example. I have no doubt that through and as a result of all of this you and the courage you have exhibited will make you stronger and you are raising boys who will be wonderful men!

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    1. Thanks Nadra for your kind words! One thing I have learned through my horrific experiences is that I have no other choice but to be strong, not only for myself but for my boys. I have to try and lead my boys down the right path and hope that they will learn from our experiences and learn acceptable behaviour as a man. We will fight this evil place as a pack of five. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well now where do I start? I love how lies can spew out of someone’s mouth so easily as to make herself and people that don’t know the difference, take pity. Poor single mother who was abused and cheated on. My comment has nothing to do with being sick. I’m sorry you were sick. I’m also glad you are now physically better. But to defame someone’s character. To blatantly lie and potentially risk a life time of embarrassment for the boys by posting shit like this? Really? I know you will post my comment as to add to the grand amount of pity you like to acquire. I just wanted to comment to say I think you need help and I really hope you get some for your own sake and the sake of everyone around you. Your “woe is me” bullshit is very see through and the only people who are actually feeling bad for you are the people that don’t know the truth, don’t know you, and don’t know how you are. You are a selfish individual.

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    1. I applaud you for your comment, everyone is entitled to their opinion. There are always two sides to every story, but I can ensure you that I am not lying or stretching the truth. I am beyond what other people think of me, my focus is on me, my family and helping others who are in similar situations. I have nothing to be ashamed of! I am not looking for pity, life happens, but if I can help another woman get through a tough situation, it is worth it in the end!

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    2. As if anyone didn’t know a comment like this was coming, the typical family member or friend of the accused coming here to blame the victim for all that happened. Please tell us what you think is the defamatory comments or statements? Are you claiming that this didn’t happen at all, she made it up or she deserved it?

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      1. Yes actually I am saying this is made up. 100% bullshit. Typical to “blame” the victim is it? It’s also typical to make stuff up to try and gain pity, to make yourself look like you are actually a “victim” and to pretend everything was “right in your world” prior to this!! It’s also typical to be a pathological lair that likes to be in control and naturally defensive when backed into a corner but will continue to say things like “I’m just trying to help another woman” blah blah blah. No, this is complete shit. Give your heads a shake FFS.

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      2. You know this how? Were you there, did you talk to Kelly and see if she was playing the victim card? You have some kind of magical powers to determine if someone is telling the truth through a computer?

        You are stating this as if you, above all others get the only say in this.

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  3. Your personal life should stay your personal life. Yes it’s ok to talk about your sickness and what you’ve went through with that but to slander and harass another human being publicly? There’s always two sides to a story and yours is only one side. You’re an adult who should be setting a great example for your children. Not showing them how to hurt and defame other people. Before people judge, they should know and find out both sides of what really happened! I know you probably will not post this but you should!

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  4. I think it’s obvious who “seethroughtheshit” and “unreal” are, or at least what camp they’re with. I can understand that someone may feel like this is slander, and unnecessary, but this is not TMZ people. It’s a frickin blog. You don’t like it, don’t read it. No man, NO MAN, who respects his children would act this way with them around. You want to fight with your wife, fight. Then after its all over, debate who’s right and who’s wrong in your own right. We all do shit we’re not proud of, especially in the midst of a heated arguement, but don’t involve your kids. And I also am pushing the sickness aside in this statement, because I’d have a lot more to say about how disrespectful and ABUSIVE it all was if I were taking the cancer, and all the crazy that it causes, into consideration. Only people who know this situation actually know who she’s talking about anyway, as there are no names mentioned, as far as I can see.

    You are brave, Kelly. I wish you all the best, and I have thought about you often during all of this. God bless you and the kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for thinking of me. The support I receive helps me tremdously in the healing process. I hope that I can help others in believing that certain situations are not their fault despite what other people try to make them believe. I only wish that when I was going through everything I could have spoken with others who had experienced similar situations. xoxo

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  5. So I’ve read this not once not twice but three times and I don’t see how anyone could say your asking for pitty!!! I see how your showing that people can live after life hands them the worst situations!!! I feel your not in fact making you ex a monster but showing people that sometimes the best happiest relationship can turn Toxic and that sometimes staying together for the kids is the worst case. I also get why you posted this it’s not to show your boys there dads bad but to explain to them why things that night in which they saw happened and in hopes they learn this is not ever a way to treat anyone!!! I give you a pat on the back for having the courage to go trough what you have and wanting to share your journey in hopes of helping even just one person!!!! Girl know your loved and rock because haters are just haters and the people who matter are the ones who love you!!!!! Your still and will always be my hero xox

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  6. Seeing through the shit is exactly what Kelly is doing. While you are correct in saying there are two sides to every story, this is her side. This is her story to tell and no apologies should ever be made for that. There are no excuses for this type of behaviour. Maybe the next person to read Kelly’s story will gather the strength to leave before it’s too late. Tell your story Kelly and know you have my love and support through it all.
    On a side note, hiding behind screen names seems to make people loose all good sense of manners and compassion. All my love and support is yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. …its all for the boys…uh huh. This blog has heen shared by many people up and down the shore. And while there are no names given everybody knows who you are talking about. Welcome to the future people….where bay gossip becomes available world wide…and if ya thinks your boys wont be party to this pity party you’ve got another thing to cry about

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